Toilet Stories

Dear Diary,

Things are not looking up in our household, today.  The plumber has been here for nearly two hours and can not unplug our plug.  He is now outside digging up part of my front yard.  Meanwhile, we are adding up the damage control.  The electrician left a drywall hole where it fell off when he rewired the light in one of our bathrooms.  Then there is all the drywall that was in our skylight that had to be removed (in many pieces) to let the electrician up into the rafters.  Now, the plumber removed our toilet to run a cable in the pipe and my bathroom tiles came up with the toilet.  My eyes are like dollar signs going cha-ching cha-ching and my head hurts from the lists rampaging through it of all the new projects I have just acquired.  I'm trying to remain calm but my mood ring is now a solid black.  I think that means I am failing at calm.  I can't even take a hot, soothing bath.  Stupid plumbing!  I'm afraid to ask, "what next?"  I'm begging for some warm, happy thoughts.  Mine are stuck somewhere in the middle of our clogged plumbing.

What Do Electricity and Plumbing Have in Common?

Dear Diary,

"When it rains, it pours," OR in our case, "when a wire sparks, the plumbing leaks!"  Our electrician has spent the last four hours repairing all our wiring code violations (for a mere $150/hr).  I'm thinking the home inspector never really looked, five years ago, when we bought this house.  Meanwhile, our wonderful electrician is under the house and our plumbing gurgles up some sewage.  He smells quite lovely, now.  I'm calling him 'flower' for the rest of the day.  So, we asked everyone in our house not to use the bathroom near the leak.  Low and behold, the shower in the main part of the house deposited leftover water, as well.  A quick check by running the master bathroom shower and that leaks too.  It appears our whole house is falling apart.  Happy Holidays to us.  Guess that Christmas Bonus had to go somewhere.  And my complaints about the smoke smell?  No longer an issue.  The smokey odor has been overpowered by the stench of sewage that is under my house.  Meanwhile, my mood ring is greenish-blue today.

Where There's Smoke, There May Not Be Fire

Dear Diary,

This is not a good time to be sensitive to smell.  My house smells awful.  The smokey scent from an unknown source has permeated my whole house.  NO!  It was NOT my cooking!  I made an amazing dinner of turkey burgers in mushroom gravy and mashed cauliflower/apples on the side.  The odor came after we were done eating my very delicious dinner.  I could smell smoke, but assumed it was from the wood stoves burning in the neighborhood, since it is in the freaking 30s and 40s at night in California right now.  Then I noticed my dehumidifier was not working.  Then I noticed there was no power in the back half of our house.  Then I called to the hubby to go outside to flip the breaker . . .  too cold out there for me to do it.  Then I thought, "Hey, I'll open the garage door so I can communicate to my hubby about the status of the lights while he's flipping switches."  Then I saw smoke from the ceiling to the floor in my garage.  I couldn't see any fire, but I yelled to the household about the smoke and we called the fire guys.  What we got was four police cars, two giant fire trucks, and NO FIRE.  The fire guys couldn't find the source of the smoke, but agreed the smell was electrical.  The electrical company came and they say it isn't outside the house.  DUH!  If the problem was outside the house, the smoke wouldn't be inside.  Right!?!  Breaker switches must now be kept off until we get an electrician to come.  Meanwhile, I may never breathe normal again.  My house smells horrid.  Looks like I'll be having out-of-the-house adventures for the next few days just to get away from this smell.  By the way, my Christmas shopping is done and my mood ring is the darkest of dark blue.

Flannel Bikes

Dear Diary,

In Minnesota, I slept on flannel sheets.  They were soft and warm and so very nice.  I decided I needed a set and managed to find some with bicycles on them.  Well, in California, our flannel sheets took on the feeling of the local fog.  I climbed into a bed that was cold and not quite damp, but certainly not dry either.  My pretty sheets were a disappointment in this wet, dreary weather.  I adjusted the dehumidifier in our bedroom in the hopes that tonight will be better.  I refuse to give up those sheets!  They have bikes on them!  I started writing.  What does that mean?  I'm considering a book of some kind in the future.  For now, I am just writing for an hour a day to see where it takes me.  I read so many genres of books that I will need to decide which one I am going to go with.  I was worried that I couldn't write all that descriptive stuff and keep it interesting.  What I caught myself doing, today, was correcting myself over and over and over again.  I guess I need to just go with the flow . . . is that against my nature?  Yes!  Tomorrow, my plan is to just write and not keep going back to change things.  Maybe this will get me more that a paragraph worth of words.  It was a mighty fine paragraph, though.

One - One Thousand

Dear Diary,

It took a two-year-old fire fighter to help me open a water bottle, yesterday.  I'm trying to open the top for her and it won't stay open.  This tiny, giggly voice says, "I can open it, gib it to me.  I show you."  I can't even say "I felt like a two-year-old" because she was apparently more skilled than I was.  Thankfully, I was able to distract her from my water bottle incompetence with my Legos.  We played with them for over an hour.  Yellow and red were our favorite colors.  Mother Nature had a massive temper tantrum, last night.  The thunder was so loud, the earth shook.  I couldn't even get to the 'thousand' part of 'one - one thousand' between the lightning and the thunder.  Danger, close!  Then the noisy rain was unleashed and I was worried my bedroom window was going to shatter from the hard pebbles beating against it.  No sleep happening through this tantrum.  Guess she had her say.  I guess we all felt like we were two, yesterday.

Achy, Breaky Body

Dear Diary,

I feel a little achy breaky, this morning.  I have a confession.  As of two days ago, I am a member of our local gym.  My first indoor activity was swimming.  I made it 800 yards.  Yeah, it may only be a warm up for some, but for me it was a full body work out.  I know this because my shoulders hurt, my back hurts, my hip hurts and my ankles hurt.  Moving water is not an easy activity.  To work off all those kinks, I went Christmas shopping.  Did I mention I hate shopping?  I am done gift buying except for my husband.  Any thoughts on a gift for the man who has all he needs?  Hopefully it isn't too late for online shopping as that's all the shopping I have left in me, today.  Time to restock my energy supply . . . think I'll get a cheeseburger.  Then a trip to the beach to walk it off.

A Pig and a Blanket

Dear Diary,

My husband tried socializing me, last night.  I seemed to do OK.  I talked to people and they talked back.  I used to think Californians were more civilized about processing meat, but I was wrong.  In Minnesota, they cut up and grind their venison and then freeze it for future use.  In California, we throw the whole pig on the fire and then eat the meat once its heated up.  No food storage necessary.  And no apple in piggy's mouth, either.  Zero points for display, but numerous points for taste.  I wonder if just 'tossing it on the fire' works for chicken, too.  It sure would save plucking all those feathers.  We got a new bed, yesterday.  It only took the delivery crew a few hours to put it together.  I couldn't watch.  My engineering heart cringed at their conversation.  Things like, "I seem to be missing some parts," and "I have extra pieces left over," made me want to kick them out and let me put the darn thing together.  After incredible patience, it was finally installed and it looks amazing.  After getting a full night's sleep on it, I can vouch for its stability.  It didn't collapse across the bedroom floor and is still in one piece, this morning.  Well, time to get some breakfast . . . and no, it won't be left over pig.

Waves are My White Noise

Dear Diary,

I have been lying here, awake, for nearly two hours.  The only sounds I hear:  my husband's breathing, the ringing in my ears, and the ocean's crashing waves.  I love the sound of those waves.  I haven't been to the beach in several days.  I've let the cold get  control of me.  I am lying in my bed and it is toasty warm under my covers.  Outside the blankets, my nose and cheeks are cold . . . even my hair feels cold.  Can hair feel cold?  My bladder woke me up at 4am.  I have been telling it to "hold on" ever since.  The heater kicks in at 6am.  I'm thinking another five minutes after that and it should be warm enough for a bathroom break.  Too bad the toilet seat will still be cold.  Is there such thing as heated toilet seats?  Yes, I have let the cold get control of me.  I am taking a stand.  Today, I will eat lunch at the beach no matter the weather.  The crashing waves will calm me, I know they will.

Christmas is Coming

Dear Diary,

After decorating our Christmas tree and installing a new bookshelf in the library, it was still too cold for me to do any outdoor activities.  I deemed it 'sit in a hot tub and read' day.  I don't have a hot tub (hint, hint, Santa) so I compromised by taking a hot bath.  The book I started reading was about the sinking of the Lusitania.  I know it sounds a bit dreary, but then my sister got me started on reading non-fiction, so we can blame her.  I tried shopping online, today, but every time I was ready to check my shopping cart my computer would lock up.  At first, I thought it was my computer.   After three stores, I discovered that cyber Monday bled into Tuesday.  I gave up in frustration and tumbled out into the cold for a trip to the local stores.  I was happy to discover the temperature made it into the 50s and I was able to travel in relative comfort with my seat heater on low.  I made it home safely with a new dog bed for the mini-pin and a skirt for under my tree.  Not sure how this translates into gift shopping, but I'm rolling with it.  Maybe tomorrow I'll actually buy something for someone else.

Who Put the Cold in California?

Dear Diary,

I am slowly freezing to death in California.  We are having record lows, here.  It was 32 degrees this morning.  What's up with that?  Houses, here, are seriously lacking in insulation so my heater has been running non-stop for the last several days.  I don't even want to see what the gas bill is gonna be.  We have solar power - our electric bill is a big fat zero.  Maybe we need to convert our heating to electric.  I have a bean bag chair that I move around the house to all the sunny spots.  I can almost feel my fingers to type when I sit in the sun.  I looked up the temperature in Minnesota.  30 degrees there.  I think I need relatives in the very southern tip of Florida.  Just until it warms back up, here.  Meanwhile, I am wearing the long underwear I purchased during my visit to Minnesota a few weeks ago.

Ocean Thanksgiving

Dear Diary,

My dad has been in my dreams every night for the last week.  Typically, I dream bizarre to nightmare like dreams.  These ones with my dad are peaceful - I even had a dream my family was gathered together and watching home movies of dad.  I'm taking this as a message that he is at peace now.  This is my first Thanksgiving without my three kids.  They are all grown up.  I sure am proud of them.  Went to the beach with my hubby, this morning, to watch the waves.  Life is good, today!

Home at Last

Dear Diary,

Would anyone care if I took a bath and pajama'd up - then refused to leave my bed until tomorrow?  I am so happy to be home.  It feels like it's been forever.  We saw a sign in California that said 'next gas in sixteen miles' and laughed.  In Wyoming, Utah, and Nevada the signs say 'next gas in eighty miles'.  Who can't wait sixteen more miles?  Eighty seems more dire, especially if you are drinking plenty of water to stay hydrated.  I never realized how dense the traffic was in California.  Everywhere else, you pass cars and they pass you on two wide lanes of the interstate.  Here, you are bumper to bumper across six narrow lanes and are hoping nobody cuts you off before you cross over to your exit.  We exited the I-880 for a trip down 17 and when I saw the ocean (and escaped city traffic) near my little town of Marina, I was at peace, once again.  I am so happy to be home!

99 Bottles of Beer

Dear Diary,

I am happy to have survived another day.  I didn't think our travel conditions could have been worse than yesterday.  I was wrong.  Black ice with 50+ mile per hour gusts for nearly eighty miles.  Cars were in ditches and semis were skidding.  Trying to go back was scarier than pressing on.  I will forever hold my breath while crossing bridges.  Our car skidded sideways on every one until the temp hit 36 degrees.  It takes 35 minutes to complete one rendition of '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall'.  At 80mph, we went 34 miles for one round.  It took four rounds to get from the Utah/Nevada border to Elko, Nevada.  No geese were sighted today.

90% Chance of Icy Roads

Dear Diary,

Road conditions are snowy with a 90% chance of ice.  Is it still called black ice if the pavement is reddish-brown?  We stopped at Wheatland, Wyoming for coffee and my door was frozen shut.  Fifty miles from Laramie and I'm thinking of causing bodily harm to my husband.  I'd do it but then I'd have to drive in this stuff.  We can't even see the road . . . we are navigating by those reflective posts on the sides.  Goose count, today, was 39.  Maybe they were smarter than we were.

Into the Eye of the Storm

Dear Diary,

South Dakota cows do not look like happy cows in this snow.  I saw two coyotes on a hill above those cows - do they eat cow?  Were they thinking burgers like I was?  In case we haven't noticed the tires slipping beneath us, South Dakota has generously posted signs telling us the roads are slippery.  I have developed a bad case of dowannasititis!

South Dakota Sunsets

Dear Diary,

The geese were racing us south, yesterday.  I counted nearly 2,000 before it was too dark to see them.  South Dakota sunsets are different than anywhere else - I'm thinking it's the lack of trees and hills.  We smelled severe cow odors after dark - the cows may think they were being stealthy, but I was more than happy not to see them.  Semi trucks light up like Christmas trees at night - some had really cool patterns.  There are some things you can't unsee...at 5:30am there was no snow . . . at 7:30am is was back to blizzard conditions . . . le sigh!

The Great Escape

Dear Diary,

Our escape from Minnesota was not an easy endeavor.  We latched onto a convoy of cars heading southwest.  At times, visibility was so low that we could barely see the outline of the car in front of us.  Wind was strong and gusty (15-30 mph) and roads were randomly icy.  Our convoy went so slow, at times, that a wagon train could have passed us.  When we broke off for gas, we had to break huge ice chunks off our car - especially around the wheels.  Gas is $1.83/galon up in this tundra.  I was getting a headache - is that the first stage of snow blindness?  Can you go snow blind in white-out conditions?  I guess it wouldn't be a true Minnesota visit without a blizzard!

Blizzard Ordered up for Final Departure

Dear Diary,

Mathematically, 24 degrees may be only ten degrees less than 34 degrees, but my body senses are pretty sure there is a more exponential difference in coldness.  The squirrels, here, come in more colors that back in California:  Gray, Red and Black.  I like the red ones best.  White stuff (kept clean for my younger audience) is falling from the sky and the ground is covered in it.  This is not ideal for traveling.  We are madly rerouting our travel plans to skirt as much of this blizzard-like weather as possible.  I am thankful my hubby bought a 4-wheel-drive vehicle.  I no longer feel that it was a silly thing to do.  My last dinner in Minnesota consisted of Walleye.  It was too good to describe.  For dessert - squash cake.  Yes, it is what it sounds like.  I was skeptical until I had some and then I ate myself sick on it.  Bon Voyage, Minnesota.  If we're lucky we'll be in a different state before dark.

Fresh Fish for Dinner

Dear Diary,

My tummy has never been happier.  I have been eating fresh, harvested veggies from my aunt's garden and fresh caught meat from . . . well, my hunter relatives have hooked me up.  Tonight, I'm having what my California self misses most - fresh water fish.  I will be drooling all day in anticipation.  Do they make bibs for adults?  My walk in the rain (for the third day in a row) brought out some new wildlife.  The biggest earth worms, ever, were all over the roadway.  My first thought was 'fish bait.'  That seems to be my theme for the day.  As I prepare to head back to California, soon, I started thinking I should take up ocean (beach) fishing.  I will also aspire to have a bigger garden next spring.  Perhaps I'll even manage to outwit those darn snails - who ate all my green beans and peppers this year.  Regardless, I am antsy to get back home and try out all the new things I have learned about food.

Coffee Saves Lives

Dear Diary,

I am staying in a house with three heavy coffee drinkers.  They are on their fourth coffee machine in three weeks.  The first three have been fried by overuse.  The third machine conked out before the morning coffee was doled out and desperation led to coffee cooked in a soup pot.  We ran to Target at 7:45am to save the day.  It has become a daily ritual to see three deer during my walks.  This morning, I took a different route and they still found me.  They wave their puffy white tails in a friendly 'hello' as they bound off into the woods to play.  I performed my therapeutic wood stacking ceremony, this morning and the pouring rain helped by cleaning off all the dirt for me.  Mother Nature can be so thoughtful that way.  I have worn the same four outfits over and over for the last three weeks and am ready for a change.  I think I'll go perform a shopping ceremony now.

Winter is Coming

Dear Diary,

I am still in Minnesota.  I even put on some long underwear and canoed the Mississippi River - twice!  Although the temp wasn't really warm, we watched the sun rise from the canoe and sat there in the peace only nature can provide.  Two bald eagles took off from the trees, together, and it felt so nice.  I also went to a hockey game.  I guess I'm getting closer to the natives . . . at dinner last night, conversation was all about hunting deer, catching fish and some kind of fowl.  I didn't even fall asleep.  After two weeks of eating deer meat, I am beginning to think I like it.  If I wasn't heading home soon, I might even consider trying to get one of my own.  Man, I REALLY need to head back to California.  I think I'm reverting back to being a Minnesota gal.  I need to hit the road - and soon.  Winter is coming.

Legacy in Me

Dear Diary,

My father's funeral was yesterday.  I was completely overwhelmed by all the people that were there.  All the seats were filled and late comers were left standing in the hall.  So many introduced themselves to me; as they said their names, forgotten childhood memories of them resurfaced in my mind.  The positive energy that flowed from all these people stunned me.  So many stories of how caring and giving my dad was threw me because I struggled so much trying to communicate with and understand my dad as I grew up.  At the reception, I made an effort to sit at every table for a few minutes.  The wonderful stories shared about my dad made me realize something . . . something big.  I didn't just get my dry wit and sense of humor from my father.  His legacy gave me something more.  My dad had a heart of gold.  I always thought my bleeding heart was a weakness within me.  Yesterday, I realized I was wrong.  NOBODY would have called my dad weak; not even at the end when he was suffering most.  My dad gave me a heart that cares about others and that burning need to help out.  I am proud to be my father's daughter and I will never forget this last lesson that he taught me through all the great people he left behind.

Snow on My Tongue

Dear Diary,

Cold, white stuff fell from the sky, yesterday.  I can no longer deny that I am in the Northland.  I let the flakes fall on my tongue and melt . . . my tummy fluttered from the coldness . . . I'm calling it nostalgia.  I went bowling, last night.  Not much else to do in this frozen mecca.  I bowled a strike in the last frame, two seconds after the computer shut down.  I have witnesses . . . really!   Back home, signs are in English and Spanish.  Here, they are in English and Ojibwe.  What a great way for our society to teach children a second language.  I should be trilingual by the time I return home.  Enough to let you know if a store is opened or closed, anyway.  I saw ANOTHER deer on my walk, this morning.  He walked out in front of me, looked at me, lifted his head, then turned tail and bolted.  I guess I looked suspicious.  My nephew won a rifle at the local grocery store.  That NEVER would happen at home.  I am in a completely different world, up here.  I still love the mornings on the river, the best.  That I will, indeed, miss.

Frozen Cheeks

Dear Diary,

The 'unusually warm weather for this time of year'" has taken a turn  for the worst.  I have caved into wearing long underwear.  My walk this morning was the shortest, yet.  Temp was 33 degrees, but wind chill dropped that to something below freezing.  I think I frostbit my face even though I was wearing a scarf.  Is it ok for my cheeks and nose to feel numb?  I am ready to travel back to California.  I miss . . . well . . . everything about being back in Monterey.  I am still eating venison . . . I even watched it getting ground into bits for consumption.  Freshest meat we've ever had.  I think my canine teeth are getting longer.  I received a picture from my niece, yesterday.  She sent it from Minnesota to California, where it was then forwarded back to me in Minnesota.  The wood stove heats the house we are staying in to about 85 degrees; so as long as I don't step outside it feels great.  I should have brought shorts with, after all.  Do you think my aunt would install an indoor pool for me?  I miss swimming and biking and am going though junk food withdrawal.  I have eaten so much healthy food, here, I'm worried I may have to actually start cooking when I get home.  Well, its time to get back out in the cold and go for another walk <shiver>.  Maybe I'll even help stack some wood.

Fish-belly Complexion

Dear Diary,

I have been away from California for 2 weeks now.  I look in the mirror and my skin is turning fish-belly white - more assimilation towards Minnesota skin?  I do have rosy cheeks; I'm guessing its the cold air.  I walk several pieces of the Mississippi River Trail each day.  By the time I leave here, I should have walked all seventeen miles around the lake.  I bought new running shoes, not sure why.  I looked at a couch to 5K program . . . it looked interesting . . . then I closed the app.  The deer, here, are 3 times bigger than those back home.  Wondering why those deer hunters can't get one, as I see several every day.  My aunt offered me tickets to a hockey game . . . could be fun . . . but even the sports events here are cold.  I'm told the weather is unusually warm right now.  By whose standards?  Did I mention I bought a winter coat?  Well, The Price is Right is on, so I have to concentrate on winning a new car.  I did 6,000 steps already, today, so I figure one TV show should be OK.

Losing Dad

Dear Diary,

My dad is dying.  There is nothing funny or witty that I can say about it.  Cancer sucks.  I travelled over 2,000 miles to watch him 'pass away'.  Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have this opportunity to say goodbye.  I've said it.  Day after day after day.  Hospice care is not a 24 hour nurse at your house.  It's family doing 24 hour care with a nurse here for one hour, three days a week.  Questions are to a hotline that actually helps only 33% of the time.  I'm the kind of person that has to fix things and I can't fix this.  I try lessening the burden for my sister and step-mom as they provide dad's care.  My chest burns as my brother struggles through his tears . . . dad was the world to him.  Dad no longer understands what is going on around him and the last time he spoke with me in the room was when he asked us all if he was dying.  My brave, younger sister was the one to tell him the truth as we all let our tears flow.  His response to why was, "how the hell did that happen?"  Still my dad to the end.  He's in there somewhere waiting to 'go home.'  We tell him we're ready and we wait.  I lie about my readiness every day because I'd rather lose him than watch him suffer this way. My dad needs some peace.  My family needs some peace.  I need some peace.  Maybe I'm not lying anymore when I say I am ready.  I love you, dad, and I always will.

Green Olives Make Me Happy

Dear Diary,

I'm thinking I went back in time; we stacked wood today.  Back home, fires are bad.  We heard gunshots of either three hunters or one really lousy shooter.  So far my orange toe nail polish seems to be working.  My grandfather told me I was barely recognizable with all my gray hair.  I guess tact goes out the window when your 91!  I googled things to do in Bemidji and it turns out we've already exhausted the list.  Beer here is of the thin (Bud Light) variety - aren't they worried about it freezing?  My hubby is going through IPA withdrawal and it makes him cranky.  On the bright side, I got green olives on my pizza today!  Yum!

Deer Season Opener

Dear Diary,

The sky is clear and the lake is calm.  I see the sun, today, but the temperature is below freezing - what's up with that?  On our morning coffee run there were no humans to be seen.  I was thinking zombie apocalypse but the barista says it's the opener for deer hunting season.  The locals believe wearing orange protects you - a lucky rabbits foot kind of thing.  Do you think my orange toe nail polish counts?  I love staying at my Aunt's house - she gets up as early as I do.  I don't have to tip-toe silently for four hours before human conversation is allowed.  Thinking of learning to play the accordion - where did that come from?  I need to stop breathing this Minnesota air!

Where has all the Sunshine Gone?

Dear Diary,

I don't remember the last time I've seen the sun.  I'm so cold I had to buy a hat and there was only this Scandinavian version . . . I ate eleven kinds of lefsa, last night.  Spellcheck doesn't even recognize 'lefsa' as a word.  All I hear on the radio is tips on shooting Bambi.  OMG, I ate Bambi!  Twice!  Diary, I think something's wrong, 'cause I liked it.  I look at the river each morning and it calms me.  Do you think those trumpet swans will stick around?  There sure is a lot of water here.  People have green lawns.  I walked the old "indian" trail, yesterday.  No bears were detected.  I'm worried, Diary, we looked at houses!  Am I assimilating?  Or is nostalgia setting in?  Crap it's cold.  I've been watching TV too.  Who knew there was a 24 hour western channel?  When I change it, I get strange people in orange.  They seem to be stalking Bambi's papa.  Warm shirts from California aren't warm in Minnesota.  I had to buy new clothes.  I bought a Vikings jersey.  Yep, I am assimilating.  Too cold to worry about it today . . . maybe tomorrow.