Toilet Stories

Dear Diary,

Things are not looking up in our household, today.  The plumber has been here for nearly two hours and can not unplug our plug.  He is now outside digging up part of my front yard.  Meanwhile, we are adding up the damage control.  The electrician left a drywall hole where it fell off when he rewired the light in one of our bathrooms.  Then there is all the drywall that was in our skylight that had to be removed (in many pieces) to let the electrician up into the rafters.  Now, the plumber removed our toilet to run a cable in the pipe and my bathroom tiles came up with the toilet.  My eyes are like dollar signs going cha-ching cha-ching and my head hurts from the lists rampaging through it of all the new projects I have just acquired.  I'm trying to remain calm but my mood ring is now a solid black.  I think that means I am failing at calm.  I can't even take a hot, soothing bath.  Stupid plumbing!  I'm afraid to ask, "what next?"  I'm begging for some warm, happy thoughts.  Mine are stuck somewhere in the middle of our clogged plumbing.

What Do Electricity and Plumbing Have in Common?

Dear Diary,

"When it rains, it pours," OR in our case, "when a wire sparks, the plumbing leaks!"  Our electrician has spent the last four hours repairing all our wiring code violations (for a mere $150/hr).  I'm thinking the home inspector never really looked, five years ago, when we bought this house.  Meanwhile, our wonderful electrician is under the house and our plumbing gurgles up some sewage.  He smells quite lovely, now.  I'm calling him 'flower' for the rest of the day.  So, we asked everyone in our house not to use the bathroom near the leak.  Low and behold, the shower in the main part of the house deposited leftover water, as well.  A quick check by running the master bathroom shower and that leaks too.  It appears our whole house is falling apart.  Happy Holidays to us.  Guess that Christmas Bonus had to go somewhere.  And my complaints about the smoke smell?  No longer an issue.  The smokey odor has been overpowered by the stench of sewage that is under my house.  Meanwhile, my mood ring is greenish-blue today.

Where There's Smoke, There May Not Be Fire

Dear Diary,

This is not a good time to be sensitive to smell.  My house smells awful.  The smokey scent from an unknown source has permeated my whole house.  NO!  It was NOT my cooking!  I made an amazing dinner of turkey burgers in mushroom gravy and mashed cauliflower/apples on the side.  The odor came after we were done eating my very delicious dinner.  I could smell smoke, but assumed it was from the wood stoves burning in the neighborhood, since it is in the freaking 30s and 40s at night in California right now.  Then I noticed my dehumidifier was not working.  Then I noticed there was no power in the back half of our house.  Then I called to the hubby to go outside to flip the breaker . . .  too cold out there for me to do it.  Then I thought, "Hey, I'll open the garage door so I can communicate to my hubby about the status of the lights while he's flipping switches."  Then I saw smoke from the ceiling to the floor in my garage.  I couldn't see any fire, but I yelled to the household about the smoke and we called the fire guys.  What we got was four police cars, two giant fire trucks, and NO FIRE.  The fire guys couldn't find the source of the smoke, but agreed the smell was electrical.  The electrical company came and they say it isn't outside the house.  DUH!  If the problem was outside the house, the smoke wouldn't be inside.  Right!?!  Breaker switches must now be kept off until we get an electrician to come.  Meanwhile, I may never breathe normal again.  My house smells horrid.  Looks like I'll be having out-of-the-house adventures for the next few days just to get away from this smell.  By the way, my Christmas shopping is done and my mood ring is the darkest of dark blue.

Flannel Bikes

Dear Diary,

In Minnesota, I slept on flannel sheets.  They were soft and warm and so very nice.  I decided I needed a set and managed to find some with bicycles on them.  Well, in California, our flannel sheets took on the feeling of the local fog.  I climbed into a bed that was cold and not quite damp, but certainly not dry either.  My pretty sheets were a disappointment in this wet, dreary weather.  I adjusted the dehumidifier in our bedroom in the hopes that tonight will be better.  I refuse to give up those sheets!  They have bikes on them!  I started writing.  What does that mean?  I'm considering a book of some kind in the future.  For now, I am just writing for an hour a day to see where it takes me.  I read so many genres of books that I will need to decide which one I am going to go with.  I was worried that I couldn't write all that descriptive stuff and keep it interesting.  What I caught myself doing, today, was correcting myself over and over and over again.  I guess I need to just go with the flow . . . is that against my nature?  Yes!  Tomorrow, my plan is to just write and not keep going back to change things.  Maybe this will get me more that a paragraph worth of words.  It was a mighty fine paragraph, though.

One - One Thousand

Dear Diary,

It took a two-year-old fire fighter to help me open a water bottle, yesterday.  I'm trying to open the top for her and it won't stay open.  This tiny, giggly voice says, "I can open it, gib it to me.  I show you."  I can't even say "I felt like a two-year-old" because she was apparently more skilled than I was.  Thankfully, I was able to distract her from my water bottle incompetence with my Legos.  We played with them for over an hour.  Yellow and red were our favorite colors.  Mother Nature had a massive temper tantrum, last night.  The thunder was so loud, the earth shook.  I couldn't even get to the 'thousand' part of 'one - one thousand' between the lightning and the thunder.  Danger, close!  Then the noisy rain was unleashed and I was worried my bedroom window was going to shatter from the hard pebbles beating against it.  No sleep happening through this tantrum.  Guess she had her say.  I guess we all felt like we were two, yesterday.

Achy, Breaky Body

Dear Diary,

I feel a little achy breaky, this morning.  I have a confession.  As of two days ago, I am a member of our local gym.  My first indoor activity was swimming.  I made it 800 yards.  Yeah, it may only be a warm up for some, but for me it was a full body work out.  I know this because my shoulders hurt, my back hurts, my hip hurts and my ankles hurt.  Moving water is not an easy activity.  To work off all those kinks, I went Christmas shopping.  Did I mention I hate shopping?  I am done gift buying except for my husband.  Any thoughts on a gift for the man who has all he needs?  Hopefully it isn't too late for online shopping as that's all the shopping I have left in me, today.  Time to restock my energy supply . . . think I'll get a cheeseburger.  Then a trip to the beach to walk it off.

A Pig and a Blanket

Dear Diary,

My husband tried socializing me, last night.  I seemed to do OK.  I talked to people and they talked back.  I used to think Californians were more civilized about processing meat, but I was wrong.  In Minnesota, they cut up and grind their venison and then freeze it for future use.  In California, we throw the whole pig on the fire and then eat the meat once its heated up.  No food storage necessary.  And no apple in piggy's mouth, either.  Zero points for display, but numerous points for taste.  I wonder if just 'tossing it on the fire' works for chicken, too.  It sure would save plucking all those feathers.  We got a new bed, yesterday.  It only took the delivery crew a few hours to put it together.  I couldn't watch.  My engineering heart cringed at their conversation.  Things like, "I seem to be missing some parts," and "I have extra pieces left over," made me want to kick them out and let me put the darn thing together.  After incredible patience, it was finally installed and it looks amazing.  After getting a full night's sleep on it, I can vouch for its stability.  It didn't collapse across the bedroom floor and is still in one piece, this morning.  Well, time to get some breakfast . . . and no, it won't be left over pig.

Waves are My White Noise

Dear Diary,

I have been lying here, awake, for nearly two hours.  The only sounds I hear:  my husband's breathing, the ringing in my ears, and the ocean's crashing waves.  I love the sound of those waves.  I haven't been to the beach in several days.  I've let the cold get  control of me.  I am lying in my bed and it is toasty warm under my covers.  Outside the blankets, my nose and cheeks are cold . . . even my hair feels cold.  Can hair feel cold?  My bladder woke me up at 4am.  I have been telling it to "hold on" ever since.  The heater kicks in at 6am.  I'm thinking another five minutes after that and it should be warm enough for a bathroom break.  Too bad the toilet seat will still be cold.  Is there such thing as heated toilet seats?  Yes, I have let the cold get control of me.  I am taking a stand.  Today, I will eat lunch at the beach no matter the weather.  The crashing waves will calm me, I know they will.

Christmas is Coming

Dear Diary,

After decorating our Christmas tree and installing a new bookshelf in the library, it was still too cold for me to do any outdoor activities.  I deemed it 'sit in a hot tub and read' day.  I don't have a hot tub (hint, hint, Santa) so I compromised by taking a hot bath.  The book I started reading was about the sinking of the Lusitania.  I know it sounds a bit dreary, but then my sister got me started on reading non-fiction, so we can blame her.  I tried shopping online, today, but every time I was ready to check my shopping cart my computer would lock up.  At first, I thought it was my computer.   After three stores, I discovered that cyber Monday bled into Tuesday.  I gave up in frustration and tumbled out into the cold for a trip to the local stores.  I was happy to discover the temperature made it into the 50s and I was able to travel in relative comfort with my seat heater on low.  I made it home safely with a new dog bed for the mini-pin and a skirt for under my tree.  Not sure how this translates into gift shopping, but I'm rolling with it.  Maybe tomorrow I'll actually buy something for someone else.